No, I Have Not Been The Same Since My Mom Died
Navigating Loss, Authenticity, and Unconditional Love
October 22, 2023, felt like the beginning of a completely new life — as if my soul, identity, and state of being had died while I continued to exist inside of a shell. Truthfully, I do not remember who I was even a day prior to when my mom died, let alone all of the years of my life before then. I read recently that loneliness transpires from us as human beings feeling as though no one understands us or knows us — a true disconnect that results in solitude that can turn into anguish, and all of that I felt instantaneously the moment I held my mother's hand as she took her last breath.
Most of us strive to refute our likeness to our parents — the mannerisms that annoy us, their communication styles, and personality traits. At some point, I had pulled so far away from my mother to separate our similarities I hardly recognized how my entire identity, work ethic, and sense of self relied on her being present. Nothing in this life that I had created, whether that'd be my art, music, business, career, or self identity, felt like my own, and losing the woman that had singlehandedly raised me for almost 30 years felt like my reflection in the mirror was completely gone. As I am typing this piece with tears starting to roll down my cheeks, I realize the guarded vulnerability I once had has also gone too.
No balance - complete chaos in my mind..
Being visible online as a music artist is interesting because there is a constant balancing act between how open you are willing to be with your audience and being present in your real life that is transpiring in reality every time you put your phone down. For the past several years since my mom got her cancer diagnosis, that balance had become two worlds of complete separation and chaos in my mind. None of the circumstances being a reality that I controlled, but I continued to perform. Even through sickness like in health, my mother continued to support and encourage me to show up every day for my passion and the consistency required to grow my career, whether that would be editing content in the patient room beside her hospital bed or pulling all-nighters at the studio to lock in more records to release, even though I knew she would be at home feeling alone and even more present with her own reality that she was sick, and eventually, very sick.
Unconditional love is powerful
The more things I began to achieve throughout my career, I realized almost all of my “unfair advantages” were conceived through my mother and the adversities we had experienced through life together. In moments of financial instability and uncertainty, I watched her navigate with a will to find a way, and although my mom had not a single artistic bone in her body, she too was a creator — always creating something out of nothing. She never relinquished what was in her control to overachieve, overcome, and persevere through even grave moments of instability and uncertainty. For a woman that at many points in my life was so overcome by financial insecurity and stress, I watched her manifest her own success through her perseverance and hard work. With that came the same abundance mindset that I also began to understand and adapt — anything was indeed very possible.
Unconditional love is something I never carried for myself, but my mother always reaffirmed that’s what she held onto for me. Throughout earlier years of my life, I was very shy, spent many hours alone drawing in sketchbooks, and writing songs in my bedroom. My way of thinking, the way I looked, and expressed myself were all the reasons I was bullied mercilessly by my peers at school and subsequently how I grew to hate all those things about me too. Parenting had not become my mom's only responsibility, but now she had taken on the role as my only friend, one in which loved all the things about me that made me “weird” or different to others — in fact, she always told me those attributes were my superpower. I came out to my mom at 13 years old as bisexual, and while she accepted me with unconditional love, I barely was able to tolerate myself, let alone accept my sexuality until my mid-20s. In 2012, prior to my graduation, I told her I wanted to drop out from high school and I would “never be a perfect child, not the one that goes to college and gets a top-notch job — I know I am going to be an artist.” In which she responded “Amber, I don’t care if you work at McDonald's — as long as you are happy.” But that didn’t stop me from running up college loans attempting to fit into the suppressing mold I had created myself. Rather than creating expectations for me to fulfill, my mom constantly affirmed the importance of my authenticity, the very things made me very special in her eyes.
There is something so extraordinarily powerful about the examples the ones who raise us set for us early in life, and my mother was no exception to that concept. She allowed no difference in life perspectives to dictate the way she treated others throughout her life. Her willingness to listen to people and grow in ways that challenged her own perspective was not only impactful but in many ways I think she introduced unconditional self-love to the lives she touched throughout her own journey. To my mom, everyone had a right to their path, happiness, and overall the right to life. I watched her slowly change the world through everyday actions, and through those actions, I learned my actions too could be impactful. My sense of empathy stems from how powerfully she showed me selflessness, kindness, and conscientiousness can be.
I will never be who I was before, but I will always be my mamas kid…
Someone mentioned to me in passing recently that they “miss the old Amber,” and to be quite honest, I was upset to say the least because I no longer know who that is - I was always my mother's child. Not only have I had to take so much time away from everyday life since her passing, but I have also had to learn who I am through creating a new life that is one of my own. One thing I am sure of is that nothing is the same nor will ever be, as it shouldn’t be. You see, we all know that one day everyone we know and love will pass on, but little do we know what to expect; that part is impossible.
Grief is complex and never-ending, it grows with you but you never grow out of it. As I’m experiencing now, I am learning who I am for the first time since that piece of me passed. I am learning about the love from others I am willing and not willing to accept after losing many friendships I thought would last. I am learning about my own capacity for empathy and the boundaries I need to acquire for self-preservation during this time. I am learning how to accept the realities of loss and adapt to this life of solitude considering the person that genuinely knew my soul is no longer here to guide me.
These days, I find it pointless to use any energy in remaining guarded emotionally. This is probably why I am finding such empowerment in opening up about the most painful experience of my life via a newsletter. Leaning further into my authenticity through my art has brought me deep fulfillment, and I’ve realized chasing anything other than that joy is simply a life not worth living for me. After my mom's passing, I am forced to follow my purpose, and to be quite frank, it was my only way of survival for quite some time until it became my new way of life. One thing I do know is there will always be some sense of life even after death, and for me, that is what I am currently experiencing while embracing all the good she instilled in me. With all the bad comes also the good, the unfair advantage, all the similarities between me and my mother that I refuse to disassociate myself from. The hard work, resilience, empathy, authenticity, and unconditional love - I will forever be my mama's kid
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